Can I have a moment please? The art of paying attention - Women's Agenda

Can I have a moment please? The art of paying attention

“Poking through the clouds are just a few things that make life worth living, and the rest is pure distraction.” Martina Sheehan & Susan Pearse

A corporate mum made it just in time to watch Friday afternoon swimming lessons at the local pool. Her five-year-old daughter waved excitedly when her searching eyes landed on this familiar shape rushing through the door. But there was clearly something else going on somewhere else that made mum draw her mobile phone out as soon as she sat down. Physically present but preoccupied, she was oblivious to her little girl’s face turning constantly for a nod of approval, a sign of encouragement, a simple gesture of love that could only reach her if mum looked up.

‘Your daughter is just adorable.’ The well-timed comment from the mother sitting nearby was enough to bring her back. In that moment, her eye caught the open and loving gaze of her daughter, as she spluttered to the end of one more lap across the shallow end. This was enough to remind her why she had made the choice to be here, rather than the office. During the last ten minutes of the lesson, mum was leaning forward, smiling and clapping whenever her daughter looked to her, and the little girl became more adventurous with each turn. It was as if she felt her mother’s hands holding her safe. This is the power of attention.

We live in a world of contradictions. We care about happiness, but spend time dwelling on worries and frustrations. We care about our loved ones, but allow our to-do list to come before the act of just being there with them. We care about our friends, but only half listen when they tell us what’s going on in their lives. We care about living a life of meaning, but fill the space for deep reflection with busy activity.

We’re like kids in a candy store, spoilt for choice. Surrounded by an endless selection of things just itching to get our attention, the choice is overwhelming, almost sickening. In fact, it is making us sick.

Stress, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, confusion and disappointment are the symptoms, and an empty life is the result. It’s ironic that living in a world with so much to offer has left us feeling like we have less, rather than more. But it’s clear that the things we are adding to life are just pushing out those things that make life worth living. There’s more candy on the shelf but, rather than opening us up, this shuts us down, disabling our ability to choose wisely.

We have forever been driven to move towards reward, and to move away from threat. It’s a fundamental operating principle of the brain, and one that has served humanity well. Until now. It is almost impossible to distinguish a reward from a threat in this complex modern world; a simple measure like “what feels good” doesn’t work, when it comes to choosing where to give your attention.

Your brain’s reward centres are fickle, giving you a zap of delight for all sorts of things that will not bring harmony to your life. You’ll feel it when you engage in intrigue and gossip. It’s triggered when you score a point against a foe. It keeps you returning in anticipation of a win at the gaming tables. It will take you shopping for things you really don’t need. It tempts you to do just one more thing on the to-do list, rather than stop and play with the kids.

It is addicted to the sympathy offered when you play the victim. It makes you feel important when you hear a message arrive on your device, and when you get a like, a share or any reaction that shows you were noticed. But you have been conned. The burst of “feel good” drugs are an unreliable guide through life’s maze.

Unlike the short burn and fizzle of self-gratification, wisely-invested attention ignites an intense, warming glow that awakens a deep sense of fulfillment. This is true reward, registered not only deep within your brain, but felt through an open heart, and experienced as a freedom of spirit. It is a return that only a handful of life’s choices can deliver, but they are the ones that you will recognise as enduring sources of happiness.

Countless philosophers and generations of homespun wisdoms align with brain science, to reveal that there are certain things that form the foundation of a good life. Being present, being purposeful, being positive and being with people are the enduring points of connection with life. It is with each of these that your attention grows stronger, that you are revitalised, and that meaning finds its way back into your life.

4 tips for reviving your precious attention

  1. Be Present – Every time you pass through a doorway, use this as a trigger to gather up your wandering attention and bring it back to the present. Feel your feet on the floor, lift your head and take a fresh look at your environment, notice any changing sounds, and feel the air passing your face as you move forward.
  2. Be Purposeful – Don’t fight distractions: acknowledge them, name them, then ask yourself ‘what matters most in this moment?’ The answer will guide your attention to the right place.
  3. Be Positive – Breaks throughout the day are often hijacked by the next thing on the to-do list, re-runs, and worries. Use these breaks instead as moments to reflect on what’s going well, what you are happy about, and what you are grateful for in this day so far.
  4. Be with People – Next time you enter into a transaction with a stranger (waiter, bank teller, cashier, bus driver etc) lift your head, look them in the eye, and give them the gift of your full attention.

This is an extract from the book One Moment Please; It’s Time to Pay Attention by Martina Sheehan & Susan Pearse (Hay House).

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