A cautionary tale about toddlers and tantrums - Women's Agenda

A cautionary tale about toddlers and tantrums

Fifteen hours into my second daughter’s life, I was warned. After getting a few hours of sleep, a midwife passed my beautiful bundle of newborn baby back into my arms and said, quite matter-of-factly, that ours was the loudest baby they had ever had in the newborn nursery.

I was in a sizeable hospital, with a sizeable maternity unit, so I couldn’t comfort myself with the fact she was referring to a very small sample study. Quite the opposite.

It’s safe to say I have had considerably less exposure to newborn babies than the midwife but, soon enough, I came to accept she was right. Our darling second-born daughter was and is incredibly loud.

She is also incredibly loveable, funny and determined, but I doubt that’s a column anyone would have much interest in reading.

The loudness, coinciding with age 2, has presented some challenges. In a nutshell, the squawk she unleashes when unhappy, usually at being told no (which unfortunately happens quite regularly in the life of a funny and determined 2 year old), is so loud that for the sake of peace, we often give in.

I know how problematic that approach is because I am living with the consequences.

Just be firm, you might implore me. Don’t give her the power! You’re the parent, she is the toddler! And you are right. All of that is true and imminently sensible, but the thing about parenting small kids is that you are making decisions – big and small – constantly. And, you’re rarely making them in quiet isolation.

You are making decisions while you prepare and feed the kids their breakfast, whilst you unpack the dishwasher, eat your own breakfast, answer your four year old’s questions and try to divert your two year old’s attention from the colour of her bowl, spoon and cup, lest it becomes the subject of a stand-off.

You are making decisions while you shuffle kids out the door or load them into the car or whilst coercing them into getting dressed/brushing their teeth/going to bed/eating their dinner/refraining from pinching their sibling. You are making decisions while you’re at the checkout with kids in tow willing the attendant to scan, pack and process your haul faster than humanly possible. You are making decisions whilst distracting, encouraging, negotiating, answering, reading, all the while trying to minimise the adverse impact you and your children leave on the world.

Sometimes, even though you are doing your absolute best and you’re mostly in possession of your faculties, against this backdrop you will make bad decisions. Like saying yes to your toddler whenever she squawks loudly enough. And sometimes you will do this without even realising it.

Returning to real life after a proper holiday brought the extent of this problem into focus, but rather than despairing and turning to tears, chocolate and wine, something quite wonderful is happening. I am wresting back control!

I credit this to a terrific website I recently discovered called Raising Children which is brimming with sensible, practical parenting advice. On the weekend I spent half an hour perusing some material about tantrums, boundaries and toddlers and came away feeling empowered. I had a plan, or at least a set of principles, to guide us through toddlerdom.

– Don’t say ‘yes’ to anything if the reason you are saying yes is to avoid a stand-off

– Try and say ‘yes’ as much as possible when it’s possible

– When you say no, mean no

– Ignore tantrums – even in public

– Encourage, reward and praise good behaviour

I can’t say the results of the new regime have been pretty. There have been three very loud and very public displays of dissatisfaction this week but I think it’s the price we have to pay. I am certain it’s only going to get easier.

What strategies get you through toddler tantrums?

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