Infertility, Michelle Bridges & the invisible wounds that need no salt applied - Women's Agenda

Infertility, Michelle Bridges & the invisible wounds that need no salt applied

A little over a month ago I read a column that caused my heart to sink. The headline “IVF isn’t a fix-all for those choosing to delay adulthood” was the first sign of trouble.

It was another one of those pieces imploring women to fall pregnant before they turn 30. As if a woman’s willingness to fall pregnant is the only factor that determines whether she falls pregnant.

I don’t question the veracity of scientific evidence about fertility and women’s age. I do, however, question the veracity of opinion pieces which disregard the prescient but less scientific facts that surround fertility and pregnancy. And I question the sensitivity of those who manage to ignore or dismiss those factors.

Like the fact that infertility doesn’t just impact women over 30. Or that falling pregnant before 30 isn’t a possibility for lots of women. And that falling pregnant isn’t, of itself, an end that women will blithely dismiss all means to achieve. (Believe it or not being single, pregnant and unable to financially support oneself, isn’t what every woman under 30 would describe as a “must-do-at-all-costs” endeavour).

That is why my heart sank on reading Michelle Bridge’s comments that being in optimal health helped her fall pregnant at age 44. Any longed-for pregnancy is tremendously happy news. I am thrilled for Michelle that a pregnancy is on her cards. Truly.

Her being healthy may well have helped. And even if it didn’t, being healthy is hardly a bad startig point for anything. But I’d urge Michelle to consider how her comment might have been salt in the wounds of others.

Others – who are healthy or not – who are longing for a pregnancy. For men and women who are enduring IVF, not simply because they forgot to try earlier or because they were too childish to embrace “adulthood” or because they live unhealthy lives, but because their bodies won’t fall pregnant.

I fell pregnant twice before I was 30. Several factors made that possible, not least of which is the fact that I fell pregnant twice before I was 30. That was not something I had control over. Yes, of course, there were parts of the process I had control over but not the outcome. I had a medical history which made falling pregnant easily seem unlikely. And yet, I fell pregnant.

Chief among the various factors which influence whether a woman falls pregnant, is whether she falls pregnant – whether she’s over or under 30. Whether she’s healthy. Whether she runs marathons or not. Whether she wants it or not. If her body won’t fall pregnant, her body won’t fall pregnant.

I don’t know the pain of infertility personally and I won’t pretend to. But, I have gleaned a few things about it from my friends who have or are struggling with infertility and miscarriage.

Infertility is a cruel lottery that is not always possible to reconcile with reason. Some healthy, young women struggle to conceive just as some older, less healthy women don’t. The fact the odds are stacked the other way only compounds the pain for those who find themselves on the other side of the equation.

IVF is an uncomfortable, painful, emotionally-wrought experience that most wouldn’t wish upon their worst enemy. Unless of course their worst enemy desperately wanted to fall pregnant in which case its difficulty matters little. It’s the only path.

My understanding is that fertility struggles are accompanied by an overwhelming sense of personal failure. That it’s tinged with immense sadness and disappointment. Crushing disappointment.

I know that it is, mostly, a private battle. And often it’s kept private because the alternative prompts responses that, no matter how well intentioned, sting. When one can least tolerate ‘stings’.

Comments that if they just relax it will happen. That if they stop trying it will happen. That if they visit the right acupuncturist/herbalist/aromatherapy salon it will happen. That maybe it’s not meant to happen.

The point is longing for a baby and struggling to conceive, or struggling to maintain a pregnancy, is a pain that requires no further pain. Miscarriage and infertility remain invisible, prolific and painful. But they’re not wounds we necessarily see. We don’t necessarily know that people around us are carrying them.

We might not know they’re even trying. We might not know how many babies they have lost or how many months they’ve had their hopes dashed.

But we should assume that some of the people around us are because chances are, they are. And if there is one small thing all of us can do to improve a pretty ghastly period for hoping-to-be-parents everywhere, it’s this.

We can stop and think about how we might be unwittingly rubbing salt into a wound. By suggesting women get pregnant before they’re 30 without any regard for their personal circumstances. By asking couples about when and if they’re planning on having babies. By asking couples why there’s a gap between their children. By not assuming that couples are or aren’t trying to have a baby. By accepting that sometimes people are experiencing things we don’t know about.  

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