How I stopped hating my body and started loving it instead - Women's Agenda

How I stopped hating my body and started loving it instead

We all have demons.

The state of mental health in this country means many go unnoticed and undiagnosed. In Australia it’s estimated that almost one in two people will suffer from some sort of mental health condition in their lifetime.

I have spoken about my battle with depression and the pride I feel to have overcome that. The mental health condition I’m about to write about is something I’ve only spoken of with less than a handful of people, and only in the past few months.

For years, I have treated myself physically and mentally with disdain. I have suffered with bulimia for a number of years – a fact very few people know. An issue I’ve been ashamed of, but unable to shake.

Sometimes it has been unwittingly encouraged; not because people knew what was going on but by comments saying I look like I’d lost weight, that I looked ‘great’. It’s an issue I only acknowledged as being one in the past year. Before that, it was something I considered necessary to become the person I thought I needed to be, physically.

It’s embarrassing, writing it out like this. I can feel my heart beating like a drum through my chest as I say it’s been really hard – harder than anything I’ve ever done – to try and let go of this self-loathing I have had for my body and the way that it is. It has taken serious work to move away from that to a place where I don’t cringe every time I see myself in a full length mirror, or pick at different sections of myself identifying the things my brain says are wrong.

To not try on clothes I know won’t fit me just to hatefully motivate myself to eat less or throw up more. To not skip meals. To not live a life of hate directed solely at myself.

The issue really peaked, I think, six months ago. The stress of moving, of leaving everything I had ever known behind and not looking the way I ‘thought’ I ‘should’ drove me to lengths I hadn’t been before. I would stress eat a lot, and then feel so outraged at myself for doing so I’d bring it all back up again. It was a vicious, unhealthy cycle that only changed when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and took action.

Moving past the consuming self-hate I have almost always had for myself and my body was hard. I started going to the gym, for my own wellness rather than impressing anyone else. Since then, I’ve started to gain back strength I haven’t had since before this problem arose – which is understandable given it would have been relatively impossible to build on that strength when I would suck all the nutrients out of my body. I’ve started running, again for me and no one else. I am fitter than I have been in years because I respect my body in a way I haven’t before, and I want to see what it is really capable of.

I realised once and for all my problem was no longer a problem at the weekend because I went out, enjoyed myself, and didn’t feel a shred of guilt the next day. Previously, any nights out were followed by crippling guilt and the launch of an attack on my psyche for being so irresponsible, even though all I was doing was enjoying life.

Now, I haven’t caved to the demons associated with bulimia in longer than I can ever remember, and I’ve spent the past six weeks seriously focusing on removing all things that could be triggers – including the ridiculous Instagram accounts that promote ‘healthy living’ but really glorify anorexia.

I’ve been trying to listen when people tell me I’m beautiful. I’ve been talking frankly with my personal trainer about food and the mental health associated with getting fit, taking him seriously when he says that I look fit and that I don’t need to look any different than I am now. Celebrating new strength goals, not weight loss. In fact, I haven’t weighed myself in months.

It might appear rash that I talk about this now – a few months without the demons after years of suffering with them. But it feels permanent. I know myself and my body, and I feel things I’ve never felt before. At the gym I feel a huge amount of pride for the things I am accomplishing – something I haven’t felt, really, since I was a teenager.

Mentally I’m stronger than ever, in a number of ways. Everything has combined and I know this bad, bad habit has been kicked. Every day I am getting better at looking at my reflection with love, not hate.

Nowadays, it’s about learning to love myself in new ways. It might sound corny but learning to love my curves has been a huge factor in moving on from this hate. Learning to love my body just the way it is, not saying things like “when I…” as if it’s OK to put off loving myself until I reach some future point. The time to love myself and who I am is now – not in some far off future that may not even be realistic.

I wanted to write about this because I am very proud of where I am today, and because I do know so many women who are affected in similar ways. There’s a huge pressure to be a certain type of woman, instead of celebrating all the many different ways we all look.

It’s been a long, hard journey for me but it’s fast becoming a thing of my past, and if more people speak up about it – the same as with any mental issue – the more people can be helped.

So this is me. And I’m learning to totally love it.

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